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sexual harassment
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Traveling Alone Or With A Female Travel mate Western women, whether traveling alone or with a female friend, may be seen as promiscuous and "loose" because they are not with a male escort or husband. Some men interpret solo females or females traveling together to mean they are looking for sexual partners and sexual experiences. Although this may be the very last thing on your mind, it may be something the male suitor believes to be true. Many women around the globe would not dream of traveling alone or even be allowed to travel unescorted. Their cultural and social norms would not condone such behavior of its female population. Stereotypes Of Western Women The global distribution of American television evening dramas and films has done little to dissuade the foreign belief that all Western women are sex-starved vamps running around plotting one sexual interlude after another. Television and film not only perpetuate this fantasy, but also present a fictional slice of American culture. As a result, twisted, unflattering stereotypes of Western women and their culture are left. Many men believe that Western female travelers are just the same as the oversexed characters they see on television or in the Western films. It is not difficult to understand why Western women are targets of sexual harassment when you look at the behavior of women in film and on television. AM I OVERREACTING? Sexual harassment can be so subtle that, before you know it, you are feeling terribly uncomfortable and questioning why you are feeling the way you do. Most commonly, women try to rationalize away this feeling and dismiss the fact they are being harassed by saying they are just overreacting to the situation. Being one of these rationalizing women myself, it wasn't until the harasser became more aggressive and began touching me that it finally clicked and I realized that I wasn't overreacting, I was being sexually harassed. My advice to women is this: when you begin to wonder whether you are being sexually harassed or not, most likely you are. Between your uncomfortable feeling and the silent conversation in your head about possibly overreacting, these should be seen as red flags and motivate you to act and get away. Now Be Polite And A Sweet Young Lady Generally speaking around the globe, we are taught as little girls to be polite, kind, sweet, and non-aggressive. I believe it is this early childhood modeling and teaching that challenges us to be just the opposite when faced with sexual harassment. As women we sometimes give some men too much slack when it comes to stepping over our boundaries and personal space. We were never really taught how to not let a man do this. Believing myself to be an independent, strong, and capable woman, I was perplexed at my reaction at those times abroad when men were acting completely improper toward me. Trying to be polite and sweet, I clearly overlooked and dismissed harassing behavior. Falling back upon what I had learned as a young girl, to be polite and sweet, did not help me at all in dealing with this harassment. Fortunately, I learned to collect myself and go against how I was conditioned to behave to act appropriately upon the situation at hand. WHAT TO DO The following tips should be used when dealing with mild sexual harassment such as when a person is bothering you at a place of transportation (a station or on a bus or train), on the street, or at a restaurant. The harasser is just bothersome but has not threatened harm. Just Say No!!! Just say no! Loudly, directly, and void of smile or reservations, say no. If they don't understand the first time, then repeat it, only with more force and strength. This gets the point across more times than not and the harasser will back off. Remember it is how you say it, with attitude, determination, power, and intent. Imagine the word "no" coming from your stomach and finally erupting from your lips, like a volcano. Such conviction will turn away and shame most unwanted advances. Physically Move To Another Location Physically move yourself away from the harasser. Do not remain engaged in conversation. Take action!
If you physically move yourself out of the harasser's space and relocate, this will be another clear and strong message that you don't want to continue contact with him. Most mild harassers will not pursue after you take action. Body Language Use your body language to express your feelings. You can convey your preference for no contact whether conversational, physical, or sexual. These different body messages will display your lack of being "open and available."
End The Conversation Verbally tell the harasser you are ending the conversation. I have said, "I am ending this conversation because you are acting inappropriately toward me, goodbye." Walk away and do not speak to them again. This abrupt approach will usually put the harasser on the defensive. Don't be surprised if he begins to tell you that you are rude and impolite, not like you care. If you continue to remain near the harasser, the situation will most likely only escalate and become more uncomfortable and threatening to you. Walk away, cross the street, leave, just move away! Other Women A Great Resource Whether women are from Pittsburgh, Paris, Paraguay, or Peking, we have all dealt with sexual harassment at sometime in our lives. Women often support a traveling foreign woman when they see they are being hassled or harassed. If you are being harassed, move toward a woman or a group of women. Most men will not persist in harassing behavior if you are around women from their own culture. Women will oftentimes chastise the unwelcome fellow and tell him to leave you alone. Some trains have special carriages for only women and children. If you are traveling alone, traveling at night or are being bothered by men, plan to make the journey in this carriage. Sit with or near groups of women on buses, trains, and ferries. Women make a great natural buffer to unwanted solicitations. If a man does approach he will think twice, not wanting to be humiliated by a group of women. WHAT NOT TO DO Don't Giggle Sometimes people react to stressful situations with laughter. If you are one of these people, giggling or laughing when being sexually harassed will only perpetuate the harassment. Some suitors interpret giggling as a sing of encouragement. Don't smile, laugh, or giggle. Although this may be very difficult for you, don't do it! Don't Tell The Truth! Tell Little White Lies Although lying is something I absolutely abhor, I believe there are times when it can be used in self-defense. If the harasser knows where you are and where you are going to, he may decide to follow and continue to bother you. This is your chance to pretend you are someone else. Tell the harasser anything you want, only not the truth! Do not tell the harasser,
Do Not Go With The Harasser Anywhere! Don't agree to go anywhere with him in a vehicle. Whether it is a car, taxi, motorcycle, boat, or bicycle, you should not go anywhere with a man who is harassing you. Although he may say that other people will be there or possibly his family, you don't know this guy from anyone, don't be fooled and end up sorry. Avoid Or End Eye Contact Avoid eye contact or end eye contact. In some countries, continuing eye contact will be interpreted to mean you are interested in the pursuer. Depending upon the culture, women and men do not engage in eye contact unless they are married and/or sexually intimate. "Victim Mode" Avoid sinking into the "victim mode". Remember you are a grown woman and this man is pestering you. Stand up for yourself, take charge, protect yourself, and take appropriate action. ***I give you permission to NOT be kind, sweet, and or polite!*** If you have trouble envisioning standing up for yourself, then imagine this man preying on your little sister, mother, or the daughter you may have one day. Yell, Don't Scream Yell, don't scream, if you are being attacked or need to draw attention to yourself. Yelling, from deep down in your gut, is a strong and forceful message that will be more clearly heard by those around you and taken more seriously. A high-pitched scream will not draw the same type of attention from those around you. Screams are often lost in the sounds of a city or crowd. Practice this deep gut yelling, get a feel for it. Breathe deep down and let it go. A PROFILE OF THREE TYPES "The Dirty Old Man, The Hustler, And The English Student" The three types of sexual predators I have found to be consistent around the globe are "the Dirty Old Man, the English Student, and the Hustler." Typically these smooth-talking harassers have given me the most grief. Although at first they all seemed rather non-aggressive and harmless, but after we had engaged in a short conversation, the situation soon turned weird and harassing. It is always difficult to assess by seeing someone whether or not they will trouble you. You are in a foreign country wanting to meet the people, understand the culture, and have a fulfilling, rewarding travel experience. Sometimes the language barrier is difficult to bridge and what you thought was a harmless chat has evolved into a proposition that was not welcomed or what you had in mind. The Dirty Old Man In The Lucerne Train Station Traveling to Switzerland at night on the train, my friend, Valerie, and I were a little punchy the following morning from the sleepless journey. We found the youth hostel, put our packs in our bunks, and decided to cruise around Lake Geneva for a few hours and try to wake up. Serendipitously we ran into two women from Buenos Aires with whom we shared a room in Barcelona. We all decided to make the boat ride together. After a couple of heavy-eyed hours on the boat, we all decided to get off at the Lucerne stop, have a look around, then catch the short train ride back to Geneva. While waiting on the platform, we found a bench and sat our weary bodies down. An older grandfatherly man sat down next to me. He looked rather gentle in his tweed jacket and trousers, harmless enough. He began to ask in soft-spoken English where I was from and the standard questions of my name, where I'd been, how did I like Switzerland. Before I finished answering him, his hand was patting and resting on my thigh. My stomach did a small somersault. I calmly reached down, took his hand and put it back on his thigh. I looked ahead and thought, this can't be happening. We continued to chat. I felt really uncomfortable and my traveling buddies were oblivious to what was happening to me at this point. Trying to be nice and sweet, I continued to talk to this creep. Mistake! Again his hand found its way back to my leg. This time I took his hand and forcefully put it back on his thigh and said, "Don't put your hands on me." He laughed and began propositioning me to have sex with him. He even went so far to ask if my friend and I would both have sex with him. I didn't know whether to start laughing or smack him across the face. I turned to my friend and said sarcastically, "This guy is asking me if we want to have sex with him." Valerie's jaw just about dropped off her face. I turned to him and told him to leave me alone, forget it. His hands were coming around again to my upper body. I caught them midway and leapt up from the bench. At this point, I was no longer wondering what he was doing, I was furious. I began shouting at him on the platform. The other waiting passengers turned to me in shock. I was outraged and felt tricked by this creep. I wanted to knee him in the groin right there. He continued to smile and wink at me. He began to speak to the man next to him, telling him in French I was a psycho-freak. I knew this because the man he was speaking to looked at me with pity and fear. Furious, we boarded the train. I felt upset with myself that I let it go that far. Why didn't I get up when he first touched me? Why did I wait so long? What's the matter with me? Nothing was wrong with me. I just behaved as I had learned, acting like a polite and sweet young lady, until I snapped out of it and took charge. I knew next time I would react sooner and thought about what I would do. I began thinking of ways to deal with sexual harassment so that I would have some kind of game plan, to fall back on if it happened again. The English Student Yes, indeed there are men who genuinely want to practice their conversational English skills with a native English speaker. For some men though, this is a pick up line about as original as "what is your sign" at a bar or "what is your major" in college. If you have already begun a conversation with an harassing person, then end it and use some of the techniques listed under "What To Do When Being Sexually Harassed." If you have not already begun conversing with the harasser and feel this person is only trying to solicit you, then try this: Pretend you don't speak English, shake your head, and look perplexed as they speak to you. Although they may be adamant about trying to get you to speak, rattle off a little bit of some other language you may know or just gibberish. This was a technique that I came to one night spontaneously and it worked. Later my friends and I had a good laugh. No Speak English In Serrento Walking down the cobble-stoned streets of Serrento, Italy, a charming and lovely southern seaside town, my friends and I were enjoying the evening atmosphere. Robin, Valerie, and I peeked into storefronts, soaked in the ocean air, and were simply delighted to be in such a place. A car full of young men pulled up slowly beside us with rocking bass music vibrating the automobile and everything around it. We each felt annoyed knowing this was going to be another stupid solicitation. The driver, as he guided the car next to us, yelled out the window, "Hey babies, do you speak English?" I quickly looked at both of my friends and motioned to them not to speak. I then turned and said, "English? No, no English. Deutsche? German?," and looked perplexed. Chaos gave way to mutiny, everyone in the whole vehicle began shouting in a thick Italian-accented fervor, "English?! Do you speak any English, just a little bit of English?" We continued to look unaffected and strangely at them, shaking our heads "no" and repeating, "Deutsche?" Predictably, the carload of toxically high-level testosterone began shouting the sexual intimacies they wanted to engage us in and spouting profanities. Still pursuing us down the street, I turned and with a look of not understanding said, "Spreken de Deutsche? Sumimasen, hajamamashta? Uno, dos, tres, quatro?" A little bit of each language I knew, a combination of German, Japanese, and Spanish all rolled into one. My friends followed suit and began rattling off any bit of language they knew as well. The testosterone boys looked so confused and disgusted at our reply, they shook their heads in frustration and sped away into the night. We howled with laughter for several minutes after their vehicle disappeared down the street. Then we proceeded down the avenue and continued with our fine evening. The Hustler The Hustler, by a mile, is the sleaziest of all three types of sexual harassers. Young, good-looking, and well dressed, he typically will be found around tourist sites, and waiting for his prey to come into view. He will spot you and then saunter over, maybe ask if you need a guide to the city, or say he just couldn't believe how beautiful you are and had to know your name. Now this guy doesn't waste time at all when coming on to a woman. He tells you what you want, what he wants, and how he can make all your fantasies come true. Oh, please! He may begin to start some philosophical conversation about sexual freedom, sexual inhibitions, cultural differences in sexual attitudes, or how one should be freer with their body and experience different lovers. Basically he is saying, "I want to be your lover, come experiment with me." When you refuse or seem put out, the Hustler is quick to verbally attack you and call you frigid or a prude. In some regards, I find this type of the most offensive. He tries to make it seem that you have some sort of sexual dysfunction or hang-up because you won't drop everything you’re doing to go have an hour’s romp with him. This guy preys on women who feel they are not okay with their own sexuality. Believe me, he is not interested in your sexual needs and development any further than getting you into bed. Smooth Talking Hustler At The Jaffa Gate, Israel Now, of all places in the world, the last place I'd be solicited was in the Old Holy City of Jerusalem. Wrong! The first day I went to Jerusalem and walked through Jaffa Gate, I was approached by a tall, olive-skinned, well dressed young man. I had my map out looking at where I wanted to go in the maze of alleyways of the Walled City. He strolled over and began to offer his help and advice. I said no, thank you, I could manage myself. He persisted in offering help and said he was a city guide for hire. I again said, no, and began to walk away, knowing he wasn't going to walk away from me. He asked me if I was traveling alone and a string of questions that seemed endless, so I turned and said I was traveling alone and was doing quite well. Before I knew it, he was asking me to have sex with him. I didn't know whether to be shocked or just laugh. I turned to him and basically repeated what he had just said. "You are asking me to have sex?!" He casually nodded. I proceeded to tell him I thought he was behaving inappropriately and where did he get off speaking to me that way? He began to tell me how inhibited I was and that, if I had sex with him, how great it would be and on and on and on. Sort of the narcissist hustling EnergizerÔ Bunny who won't turn off, he keeps going and going and going. I finally terminated the conversation after a sparring match of words. I walked away feeling good that I didn't let him play those demoralizing and twisted games with my head. I wondered how many women he has preyed upon with those lines. It was something out of a bad romance novel, a really bad one, yuck! Every day when I went to the city, I would pass him. Some days he was just hanging out with his shop buddies and other days he would be engaged in conversation with other women. As I would pass I would laugh, watching him make his moves and talking his talk. I knew what he was about and he knew that I knew. He would nod his head and acknowledge me when I passed if he wasn't in the grips of hustling new prey and I would nod back as I walked by. He was a real piece of work, alone and in action. WHISTLES, PINCHES AND ENDLESS STARING Whistles, pinches, and endless staring may not be flattering to every woman although it may be an acceptable form of admiration and flirtation in some cultures. For most Western women these outward gestures of flirtation are not well received or desired. In most situations, it is hard or downright impossible to avoid some of these incidents. One cannot control the impulses of another person who makes such overtures. Staring in some cultures seems to be a national pastime. In India, men would generally stare at Western women for what seemed like hours. They wouldn't look away when you gave them a dirty look or asked them what they were looking at. Even if you don't think you look exotic or mysterious, you will to cultures who are not used to seeing Western women. At times, I got used to what seemed like endless eyes upon me and, at other moments, it drove me wacky. READ - ASK OTHER TRAVELER'S - CHECK GUIDE BOOK INVESTIGATE SOCIAL NORMS AND MORES Before you go, research the social norms, customs, and taboos of the country you intend to visit. What are the cultural norms and mores between men and women? In some countries, you should not touch men with whom you are not familiar or intimate. Unintentionally, you may be giving the signal that you would like to be involved sexually with them. As a standard rule, I try to be overly conscious of not touching anyone in gesture or friendship. Check the guidebooks you have selected, they may have sections on sexual harassment and the differences between that culture and your own. Many books touch on this subject, although not extensively, but they still offer some good practical information. Ask people you know who have traveled to the same countries in which you are interested. As you start to tell people you are going to travel, they may know someone who was just there or who was there just a couple of years ago. Maybe a friend's hairstylist’s daughter just got back from China. Get her number and give her a call. That is the best way to get information, straight from the experienced woman. THE WEDDING RING My plain sterling silver band, size six, always accompanies me whenever I leave the country. Wearing a band on the wedding ring finger has saved me a load of grief, especially when traveling alone. Although I didn't walk down the aisle in lily white to the wedding march, an unwanted pursuer doesn't know that and what they don't know may help me. Fewer men have made advances toward me when wearing that silver band. The message is clear to those men who do approach me: I am spoken for, married, and unavailable. Don't be surprised if the harasser continues to pursue you, some do. When wearing the wedding band, the unwanted male does not feel rejected and no explanation is needed, it is right there wrapped around my finger. When asked where my husband is, I explain he is at the hotel or I'm meeting up with him in a hour. Always have a name for your "husband" if asked. When traveling with my friend, Joe, I would simply tell soliciting men that he was my husband. Many times that was enough to send them in the other direction. While traveling through India and Asia, I felt more comfortable telling native people he was my husband because I thought it would really seem very inappropriate if the native people thought I was traveling with him and not married to him! I would have really appeared "loose" then. This little pretend marriage saved me a lot of hassle and it was worth the white lie. SELF DEFENSE COURSE - ROLE MODEL-SOUNDMATE Self Defense Course If you have the opportunity to enroll in a self-defense course and feel you would be enriched by the experience, then go for it. These courses, offered at community colleges and through community extended education programs, may give you the feeling of confidence you feel you are lacking. Role Model Role model different situations you think you may encounter while traveling. Enlist the help of a friend, preferably male, to help you practice what you would do when being sexually harassed. Practice what you would do if a man began touching you. What would you say and do if a man began to be inappropriate with you? Practicing saying no with power and might. Practicing different situations you may encounter will only help you to act faster when and if it happens. Role modeling different actions you would take until you feel comfortable with them will be one of your greatest defenses. Soundmate When I left to go around the world, my mom gave me a small device called a Soundmate. This device fits into the palm of your hand and, when squeezed, sends out a piercing sound that would shake dinosaur fossils. It is not designed to physically immobilize an aggressor, but rather to draw attention to yourself and shock the person with the piercing sound. I found having it was comforting to sleep with on trains at night. If someone tried to steal my belongings I could squeeze the Soundmate and maybe they would be frightened and run away. It would be worth a try.
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